Done and dusted

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The internet's most essential ITK update, sourced from a variety of online 'in the know' communities, for your reading pleasure.

ITK: The Immaculate Conception
Player: Benteke
Source: Club Insider
Probability: 10/10 done and dusted

Just got off the phone to my uncle. He works for an estate agency and he knows someone that went to the same bar (not at the same time) as another person who slept with the PA that works for a football agent not associated with Aston Villa and their players but is associated with a coffee vending machine repair firm that do work in the Birmingham area and he confirmed that this person (the coffee vending machine repair van driver), whilst driving past the car park at Villa Park, noticed the almost giddy (smiling but not grinning) expressions on a group of people leaving the ground (in suits, looking important) and one of them (he lip read this) said "Ben" - which is short for Benteke and was probably cited in conversation because Benteke plays for Villa and the men in suits had just left Villa Park which confirms they've rubber stamped the transfer fee with Spurs. His contract will reflect the time he will be contractually obliged to play for Spurs (2 to 5 years) and money will exchange (by bank transfer - confirmed by another friend that works at a NatWest branch that deals with money transfers which banks do a lot of).

ITK: Tottenham by Gaslight
Player: Nacer Chadli
Source: HP
Probability: 10/10

Chadli is def on. Baldini is working several hours a day to get it done. This is going to happen. We've not bid yet (as confirmed by FC Twente) but we're going to bid soon. Baldini working out the math. If not this week, the next - otherwise expect a bid before the window closes. I know someone at the club, very close to the top. He's trusted and I trust him and he trusts me, which is why I'm on the internet entrusting you with this info knowing there's no way it will find its way back to him or anyone at the club, so Dan won't know of any compromise/leak. Can also confirm we are looking at offloading some deadwood. Expect imminent business soon or soonish, possibly sooner rather than later but not too late as club wants to do business quickly, ins and outs and shake 'em all about. 

ITK: Happy HotTraffic
Player: N/A
Source: An internet mate
Probability: 8/10 if it happens 5/10 if it doesn't

Good news. Don't fret. My source can confirm it's the green light with a touch of claret but expect no bloodshed in the negotiations. My source always shares in good faith and when he's wrong it's because the deal has fallen through, which it won't this time, unless it does. And if it does, at this precise moment in time, it's going to happen, so the info is nailed on solid at time of writing. Don't want to mention the player outright, as don't want to reveal too much before the official announcement, but you'll know who it is when Spurs confirm the medical. For more, I'll be blogging updates on this transfer, look out for the headlines with question marks and inquisitive statements to entice you in to take a look. Remember, my ITK is superior to everyone else's, even though 97% of my content is copy and pasted ITK from other forums which I always dissociated myself from in order to criticise it, unless it plays out correctly, which means I can then lay claim to breaking the story.

ITK: Guy Butters Man
Player: Benteke
Source: The weather
Probability: 7/10  

Can confirm deal for Benteke is complete. I stuck my hand out of the window having licked my finger and the wind is blowing accordingly with ample direction and it quickly evaporated my saliva prompting the suggestion that the player is on his way to Hotspur Way.

ITK: KenDoddsDadsDogsDead
Player: Leandro Damião
Source: Television
Probability: 2/10

Was round my birds house, balls deep, and clocked Sky Sports News yellow ticker that Leandro is on his way to some Italian club. I asked my bird and she confirmed the channel on her TV was definitely SSN because I was still holding onto the remote control I used to channel surf to it during foreplay. So can confirm we've missed out on this one. I however scored within ten minutes. That's how you close a deal Levy.

ITK: The Phantom of the Loon
Player: N/A
Source: Daniel Levy's office desk
Probability: 10/10  

The antelope conspires with the core of a rotten apple to majestically encounter ant hills in the paragon of pillows festering with plucked hairs from the back of a decadent armchair from a vanity lung.  A human being with vibrant colours on his shirt. Blue and Yellow. And Alizarin, Amaranth, Amber, Amethyst, Apricot, Aqua, Aquamarine, Asparagus, Auburn, Azure, Beige, Bistre, Black, Blue Green, Blue Violet, Bondi Blue, Brass, Bronze, Brown, Buff, Burgundy, Burnt Orange, Burnt Sienna, Burnt Umber, Camouflage Green, Caput Mortuum, Cardinal, Carmine, Carrot orange, Celadon, Cerise, Cerulean, Champagne, Charcoal, Chartreuse, Cherry Blossom Pink, Chestnut, Chocolate, Cinnabar, Cinnamon, Cobalt, Copper, Coral, Corn, Cornflower, Cream, Crimson, Cyan, Dandelion, Denim, Ecru, Firebrick, Green, Grey, Han Purple, Ivory, Khaki, Lavender, Linen, Orange,Papaya whip, Razzmatazz, Sapphire, Scarlet, School bus yellow, Shamrock green, Shocking Pink, Titanium White, Tomato, Violet, Viridian, Zucchini.

Lilywhite he will be.